A little Asian girl in the West

Hi Friends,

I was born in the Netherlands and I grew up in a very Dutch village. My mum is from Hong Kong and my dad was born in Vietnam. Both of them came to the Netherlands when they were young.

Growing up I always had an identity crisis and I felt ashamed being an Asian. Ever since I was little I was bullied for being Chinese on a daily basis. My family and I were one of the few Asians living in this village. So yes, you can definitely tell I was different from the rest of my schoolmates.

I was always lying about my background, because I didn't want to be made fun of about my heritage. Even when I speak fluently Cantonese, my standard answer was that I can only speak Dutch. I never told them the Asian dishes I ate at home, because then I had to explain what kind of 'weird' food I ate. I was also very ashamed of my Chinese name or my parent's Chinese names. Luckily, I have a Western name too, so telling them that I don't have a Chinese name wasn't so suspicious.

The older I was, the more I was distancing myself from my heritage. It felt safe that way. I got more friends and I finally felt that I fitted in, somehow. And at some point, I believed in the things people told me about my culture. It felt like if I don't choose being "Western", then I will lose my Dutch friends and I will be alone again.

I remember going to the secondary school. New people, older people. But again I was one of the few Asians in that building. The exclusion and racism began again. It was so heavy for me, that I skipped school all the time. After one school year I told my parents that the reason I don't want to go to school was bullying and exclusion. They of course believed me, but their mindset was: ' don't mind what others think, just do your best at school, because you have to go to school for yourself and not for others'. So I had to try another school year. I tried my best, but I couldn't take it anymore and I asked my parents to let me change school. And they agreed.

This school changed my life for the better. I finally didn't feel alone. I made friends for life. I hate to admit it, but I think diversity was the reason it felt safe at this school. So many kids and so many cultures. The kids from that school grew up in a mixed neighbourhood which makes them more open to different cultures and more tolerant towards other people.

Fast forward to today, I still have anxieties and it is still difficult for me to open up about my feelings or to give my opinion on something. The Asian culture I am living in is not helping either. Although I am happy now and living a good life, mental health is still following me. Mental health is no joke and people really should talk about it.

I know many Asians born abroad experience the same. Facing racism and dealing with discrimination all the time. Sometimes hating your own heritage/culture too, because it gives you more hate than love. Everyone has the right to be themselves and that includes that your background can play a role in how you want to live life.

Many thanks for reading a part of my life. This is an introduction of my background. In my next blogs I will tell more about how I deal with anxieties/mental health, more about the Asian and Dutch culture and about racism.

I hope my stories can let people feel better and I want to use my little voice to let them know they are not alone in this.